I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
