the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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