I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
