Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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