This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
