six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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