I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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