your parents love me but you hate me
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
