trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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