I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
