Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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