You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
