I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
