me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
This toilet bowl is my home.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
