It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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