i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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