She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
