Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
