I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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