I'm laying in your front yard are you home
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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