you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
