I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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