I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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