I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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