If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
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