Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
