I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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