Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
