it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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