I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
