Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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