So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
