I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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