just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
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He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
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This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number