He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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