Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
