not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
