y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
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threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
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There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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