Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
