I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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