I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
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Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
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I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.