no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
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If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
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He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.