my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
