You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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