I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
