I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
