Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
