It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
