I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
