So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
