do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
