Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
