I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
